Oct 02, 2019 Article

“It Was Going So Well then It Happened…..”

This happens quite often, and is quite common today, that the singles feel they need to get to know eachother first before having the ‘serious important conversations.

Here is an example of what I have witnessed again and again when the singles want to do it ‘their way’ and not the recommended tested and successful way.

While they  seemed to be a perfect match on paper, their dating was a shocking rollercoaster ride. There were amazing  conversations that were promising this looked like a real match, and yet other conversations that confused and alarmed them both that had all the red flags coming up loud and clear, to the point of calling the dating off. You see, they insisted in the onset of dating  to see if they liked eachother first and got along ‘before’ talking about the big stuff, the spiritual and important subjects, the serious conversations, like what they want or expect in the
real important values and foundations of a Jewish home.
Just some examples here.
“How many kids do you think you would want to have?”
(He said “whatever Hashem blesses us with”, and she said,”I don’t want more than 3 children max!”).
Other questions came up like,
“Are you going to  a Minyan every day?” Or at least put in tefillin daily? “Do you keep Cholov Yisroel 100%, or only at home?”
“How Important is Halacha to you in general and family purity laws particularly in the future?”
“Will the Rebbe play a role in every day life? Or not really.”

After investing 100s of hours in getting to know each other which led them to like eachother a lot, they sat down to finally tackle and discuss the Big Subjects and discovered they were not in the same page at all. There was very little room for either of them to compromise. She was more lax about her religiousness and he had pretty high standards and a strong vision of a good solid frum home. They couldn’t negotiate their standards and thus ended what looked like amazing shidduch, since they got along so well up until the ‘important stuff came up. Disappointments an understatement to describe the emotional energy, time and money invested only to find out at the end that they  weren’t really a match.
I explained to both parties that if only they would have been coached beforehand and worked out what their non negotiables were (their standards and values they ‘aren’t’ prepared to compromise on) it would have prevented this from happening.
You see, I coach and encourage the singles ‘before’ they date to identify what their important standards and values are non-negotiable.
Once they figure it out and acknowledge this, they can now have the confidence and clarity what to explain to their parents, and the shadchan what their important requirements  are for a future spouse!
This is called ‘proactive’.
Preventing future disappointments, wasted time, money and energy.
When we align up the important stuff first, (checking with the shadchan that the other party fully qualifies with the important stuff  the non- negotiable values, then we
have gained  a better chance of finding our right match.
Not the other way around. Once the important values are confirmed to be similar, in the beginning of the dating then we can move on to see if the rest matches up.

Toby Lieder is an experienced Shadchan Coach for over 40 years.
She prepares singles for their Shidduch Dating experience.
Toby will be in LA over Succos
(Oct 10-25)
and will be taking limited appointments.
Toby will also be in NewYork taking limited appointments during the period of the mens Kinus.
(Nov 18-27)
To arrange an appointment
Contact Toby :



Toby Lieder

Instagram @tobydatingcoach

Whatsapp /Phone:  +61470173916